Doubt

The week went by slowly, I was relieved that no one came to check on me. I guess my father made it clear it wouldn’t be good for my recovery- the Night Children didn’t know any better so it worked.
I spent my days in pain, I wasted hours away reading my mothers romance novels- well had the intention of it, after the first one with it’s forbidden love, and a happily ever after I was envious of fictional characters and that put a entirely new twist to pathetic. I gave up on them and ended up helping my mother re-arrange furniture, sweeping, and dusting.
After that I started doodling with the art supplies that laid around the house. Which wasn’t much, some mostly burnt wood from the fire stove and some paper. I had enjoyed drawing when I was young but in my teen years all my extra time was spent training or sleeping. I sketched the vase that my mother had nice wildflowers in, then my mother who sat knitting in the rocking chair, then a forest from my dreams. While out of practice they turned out pretty reasonable. Besides I liked that I now had a picture of my mother.
My cramps started giving up the battle at about day four, the bleeding slowed considerably as well both made me a happy camper. I was getting a bit of cabin fever, I hated being stuck inside, knowing my duties were being done by another, I wondered if Arista was helping Viktor waste away his hours. I frowned, jealous. I knew deep down I liked Viktor more than I should, I blamed it on the fact we grew up together, I lived and breathed for him (sure that was suppose to mean I would protect him to the end) but... I couldn’t help feel envious of the other women he was with. I should get my chance to be in love, to be happy. But I had to be a boy. For now anyways- the more time past, the less chance I was to be who I truly am this bothered me.
I sat around on the couch bored stiff, my mind continued wandering, and no matter how hard I tried my thoughts returned to Viktor. This whole too much time thing sucked. Before I could deny my feelings for him. Ignore them since I was in my ‘male’ head -thinking, acting, speaking all like a guy would. Here with my first period, cramps, breasts tender from the wrapping, I was undeniably female.
"Evanangelique," my mother called, I enjoyed the sound of my feminine full name, it had been quite a while since I had heard it. I got up off the couch and entered the kitchen, "could you help me out?" My mother asked nodding toward the carrots that needed to be peeled and chopped.
"Of course," I responded picking up the knife peeling them before chopping them up for her.
"So how are things in the castle?" She asked.
"Wouldn’t know, haven’t been there in four days mom."
"Oh you know what I mean, before the attack, how were things going."
"Smoothly," I responded thinking back, "Viktor has been working on his lessons with Lucid, battle tactics, strategies, moves. He’s gotten a more..." I paused trying to find a word that fit, "bloody appetite."
"It is nice to see your arm healing so fast," my mother said nodding toward the splint, it kept it straight but I no longer had need for a cast.
"The Night Children used something on me," I replied my memories of the infirmary vague at best, "they need me back to being a soldier as soon as possible."
"Especially with there being a new Twilight Guardian with the prince."
My grip on the knife hardened, Garrett. He should still be here, he was a damned good fighter, a strong strategist, he knew what he was doing when he was fighting the Moon Children. He had fought them before, yet he was dead now. "Griever is a good fighter, protected the prince in the last fight, he was the last one standing, sustained less injuries than the rest of us... other than Prince Viktor of course."
"I’m not saying that he isn’t a good fighter, but didn’t he use to be a part of the... Blood Brigade?" My mother asked, she feared the Blood Brigade- they were the ones who came to the village she and my father lived in while she was pregnant with me. She feared them all.
I remembered when the Moon Child had bit my shoulder, Griever had saved me there. He was a good man, I knew, most wouldn’t give up the Blood Brigade badge, they were too addicted to blood, to the screams, to the chaos they created. Griever chose to become one of the Twilight Guardians. "That is true," I confirmed, " but he’s already saved me once, he isn’t a bad guy mom."
She seemed comforted by my defence of Griever, we continued cooking, she put the carrots in to the stew and stirred while I ripped a head of lettuce apart for a salad. We finished the meal and I grabbed the bread from the stove and put it into the bread basket and placed it on the table. The kitchen was filled with delicious scents my stomach rumbled.
We waited for my father, while we did we set the table with plates, bowls, forks, knives and spoons. When he still wasn’t there we put the food on the plates and poured a generous helping of stew into the bowls.
Still he didn’t come. My mother seemed outrageously worried, while I thought of the time I had been late when burying one of the girls. I was positive my father too had his own good reason for being late.
By the time my father was a hour late I was agitated, I was starving. Mom was getting more worried by the second her had wrapped in a dish towel, she continued fiddling with it as she stared out the window the night sky twinkling.
I ate a spoonful of stew when she wasn’t paying any attention to me. Hell I could have eaten the entire thing; she seemed to have forgotten I was even there. I fought with the idea of going to the castle to see what was taking him so long, but if I did that I should be protecting the prince. There was a reason I was here. And I was staying.
"He is fine you know," I said, my mother murmured acknowledging my words, "if there was an attack we would obviously know."
I did wonder why my father was late though, what was going on in the castle. What had I missed over the past four days?
My mother let out a sigh and exited through the door, apparently my father was on his way. Well about time! I was hungry. He came in looking worn out, my mother stared at him worriedly. "Hello father," I greeted.
"Good evening Evan," he responded removing his jacket and hanging it up sitting at the head of the table. My mother sat on the right side of the table and I on the opposite side of her.
"Why are you so late?" My mother questioned as my father begun eating.
If he started I could eat too, I scooped into my stew eating it hungrily. "Just working, that’s all."
My mother didn’t seem satisfied by the answer when he stayed silent eating and wasn’t elaborating. "Why are you so late?"
"Marianne!" My father bashed down his spoon and stood the chair screeching against the floor. I looked up from my meal startled, he never acted like this. "I’m the head of the Daylight Guardians, do you think I just sit around all day playing chess with King Vincent? I have important things to do, strategies, battle plans, we have to start work on the gate wall since there was so much damage in the last attack. I was working, alright," my fathers voice lowered, "I’ll be later than this for a while. Please Marianne, don’t bother me over it."
My mother looked startled, she stared at my father like she’d never seen him before. She found her composure, "fine," she responded and slipped into silence.
The meal became awkwardly silent other than silverware against dishes there was no noise. "Who has been guarding Prince Viktor while I’ve been away?" I questioned my father.
"Nikolai Vineale" My father responded after a moment he seemed weary. "And he is gunning for your spot as Daylight Guardian of Viktor."
"But I’m suppose to be the ‘child of prophecy’" I said snarling. How dare this man be going after my spot.
"It’s one of the reason’s I’m late, Nikolai wants the spot, and you can fight for it, it’s in the rules, someone could fight me if they wished to guard the king, but they have to beat me in combat. Many of these fights end in death." My father spoke and I felt the goose bumps on my skin. "He is taking it above my head to King Vincent."
"It won’t go through," I said confidently... but deep down I felt fear I was injured, I was a damned good swords person, but injured like this, I would be down before I started. "King Vincent is a firm believer of the Prophecy."
"He also believes in fate. You are to save Viktor, it doesn’t mean you have to be his Daylight Guardian, they just assumed that would be a good way to make sure. Also it isn’t saying you won’t just beat Nikolai. Kill him and get him out of your hair for good or he can keep bringing this back up."
"Kill him," I nearly choked on my salad, "he’s human."
"So what," my father responded, "him or you Evan."
I fell asleep that night with my fathers words in my head, ‘him or you Evan’ it kept playing over and over and over again. I had to hope King Vincent wouldn’t allow such a thing, and surely Viktor would be on my side, we had been together forever.
I awoke the next morning realizing the cramps were gone, so was the bloating, the bleeding was virtually none existent, my mother boiled water for me to bathe in and I sat in the tub of warm water. My arm was all fixed up, a little tender, but the bone had healed, there was a nasty scar around where the bone had pierced through the skin, it was bruised heavily as well. My face was back to it’s pale complection. As I washed I thought of fighting, Nikolai, I knew him from training sessions, he was fast but tended not to block he was an attacker not a defender.
I got out and dried off I helped my mother around the house for the rest of the day glad that I would be heading back to the castle the next morning.
I would see Viktor.
I would find out the decision about the fight.
And if need be, I would kill Nikolai.
My stomach tossed at that point... I could kill a human... couldn’t I? The more I thought of it the more it bothered me. The memories of the girls I had brought to Viktor haunted me, bothered me more than I’d care to admit. I could kill Nikolai to protect myself, so I could continue protecting Viktor. Couldn’t I.
My doubts ate away at me.